Alameda appears
A quant trading shop is born. Soon it becomes the back door to the dumbest money maze on earth.
A billion-dollar fuck-around, deep fried
Ham Bankman-
Fried
The exchange promised the future. Then the money fucked off and the future filed for bankruptcy. $HBF is the receipt. Now live on Robinhood Chain. Just for the culture.
Token address
Twitter ↗
0x0000000000000000000000000
Chapter 01 — The bullshit begins
A shiny logo taped to a money hole.
It started with arbitrage, spreadsheets, and one smug little idea: call it “the future” and apparently nobody asks where the fucking money is.
Chapter 02 — How the shitshow grew
From nerd shit to global shitshow.
FTX opens
The derivatives exchange launches. “The future” is now inhaling customer deposits.
Maximum poster boy
Stadium names, celebrity commercials, magazine worship. Billions in trust, guarded by a guy dressed for a 2 a.m. kebab run.
The balance sheet blinks
Somebody finally looks under the fucking hood. It is mostly FTT, customer money, and terrible decisions.
Game over
FTX, Alameda, and 130+ related entities file for bankruptcy. The clown car hits a courthouse.
Chapter 03 — Where the fuck did it go?
Customer money took a detour to bullshit.
The short version: real money entered a stupid maze. Alameda had a secret door, FTT held up the scenery, and everyone pretended this wasn’t completely insane until customers wanted their cash back.
Customers deposited real money and crypto. A bold fucking choice, in hindsight.
Prosecutors said billions went to Alameda through special access nobody else had.
FTT propped up the circus like a load-bearing Chuck E. Cheese coupon.
Everybody asks for their money back at once. Surprise: fuck-all is where it should be.
Chapter 04 — The rug gets fucking launched
A billion-dollar shitshow in six days.
The internet screamed “rug pull.” The U.S. Attorney called it one of the biggest financial frauds in American history. Not “market conditions.” Not “an oopsie.” Just billions gone and a brand-new crater.
Alameda’s balance sheet leaks. The numbers smell like absolute bullshit.
Oh fuck
Binance says it will dump its FTT. The floor starts disappearing.
Fryer on
A rescue deal appears while customers smash the withdrawal button.
Panic mode
Binance does due diligence, sees the mess, and gets the hell out.
Deep fried
Bankruptcy. CEO resignation. The future shits itself and files paperwork.
Fucked
Bankman-Fried is arrested in The Bahamas. The getaway arc is cancelled.
Served cold
Chapter 05 — Fuck around, find out
He fucked around. A jury did the math.
Guilty on every count. In March 2024, a judge set the final cook time: 25 years. Turns out “my bad” is not a financial control.
Chapter 06 — The corpse has a ticker
Launched on Robinhood.
$HBF is what crawled out of the FTX crater: the exchange lost the future, the money fucked off, and the meme kept the receipt.
Chapter 07 — Why the hell not?
Crypto moved on. The internet saved the receipts.
Years passed. The haircut remains undefeated. This ham exists because billions vanished behind shiny branding, famous friends, and the corporate discipline of a group project nobody supervised.
Markets forget.
Group chats never shut up.
The blockchain keeps receipts.
The ham is fucked.
Actual fucking receipts
The jokes are stupid. The crimes were real.
We made up the ham. We did not make up the billions, the bankruptcy, seven guilty counts, 25 years, or more than $11 billion in forfeiture.
HAM BANKMAN-FRIED is satire. It is not affiliated with Sam Bankman-Fried, FTX, Robinhood, or any exchange. Nothing here is an offer, investment product, token sale, financial recommendation, or substitute for reading the receipts yourself.